LOSS

Yesterday, my aunt passed away after a long and grueling battle with cancer. My husband came walking in right after I had fed my newborn son and was changing him. With a diaper in one hand and diaper rash ointment in the other, I crumpled unto the bed as he told me that my mother had been trying to reach me to tell me she had passed away that morning.
It's impossible to grieve without that grief bleeding over into the many "what ifs?"
When I was little and could not sleep at night, I would find my mind wandering to the thought of losing someone I love. I would lay there in bed and literally cry myself to sleep. Now that I am grown, the fear is the same. I would say it is my greatest fear. I look at my precious husband and wonder how I could live without him. I gaze into my son's precious face, and know that I would die for him. It seems the more I love, the more I fear losing that which I love. The ferocity of loving someone deeply brings with it the idea of loss. Loss is always a quiet set of waves licking at my ankles. A constant reminder that there is nothing constant about life. I cannot make this world my home. I cannot drop anchor and think this is all there is. This is all that I am created for. I was created for the constancy of Eden. I am reminded of God's order to the nation of Israel while they are in exile. In Jeremiah 29, He tells them to build homes, plant gardens, marry, and have children. In other words, put down roots even though your life is a fleeting thought. And if putting down roots brings with it the fear that those roots will be torn prematurely from the soil, well, I guess that's the whole point of believing in an eternal saviour.


You were born in the summer of loss
The summer our dogs died
And floods swept over our state
We drove you home in a monsoon
And then my aunt released herself
to the cancer that had been waging war
against her body

I held you
Trying to hold you against the tears
Against the pain
Falling into a pool of grief
And seeing your eyes watching me
Realizing I cannot hold anything
I cannot keep mortality at bay
The beauty of you
And I cannot control life

I can only long for heaven
To realize I am not made for this side of life
You are mine but not mine
I am yours but not yours
You were born in the summer of loss
but as we drove you home
my old tires hydroplaning against gathering puddles
I saw a rainbow
and was reminded that death has been conquered
And that you
My precious son
That is what you were born into

Written by Courtney Tate